Basic Training

I would say that I lead a somewhat complicated life- Most people would probably say the same, as we all play a number of roles to a number of people, day to day, week to week.

Stating the obvious here, I will start with the basics. I am a mother to four children; three are my own biological kids- my eldest is deceased (William, Ben and Mackenzie) and my fourth child (Jack) belongs to my husband, Keith. I have been a wife to three seperate men and a step mother to four children total, a sister to one older brother, Jeff and the daughter of my deceased mother, Sandra and my very much alive, father, Richard. I am also a step daughter to my father's second wife, Jill and now have two step-brothers, Thomas and Simon, in addition to their respective families. I have a large extended family, some in Northern California, some in Seattle, Washington and still more in various parts of the UK and Ireland.

By profession, I am a currently a domestic engineer without any sort of degree to back it up and a social worker in my previous life which ended over three years ago. I miss working outside the home for a variety of reasons. At some point, I hope to go back to work or school, but at this stage, its not practical for reasons I'll delve into later.

I live in a modest home, in a modest neighborhood located somewhere within the great Inland Empire (AKA- the 909). Keith is an attorney who manages his own practice and dabbles in many different areas of law, however, most of his cases are family law cases which involve families going through divorce, custody and all the stuff that happens along the way. He works long hours, sometimes weekends and travels occasionally for out of town clients. Being married to an attorney is not glamorous at all. His work takes so much from him, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes, I feel I only get the leftovers and resentment has built over time because of this.

We've been married for 2 years now, together for over 3 and as much as I'd like to say its all been perfect, it hasn't and it won't ever be. I'm not trying to be cynical or pessimistic, but marriage is hard and just like most things, the reality doesn't live up to the fantasy. I love Keith very much and I love our blended family. After 2 prior failed marriages, I am motivated to do everything I can to make "us" work by learning to accept, forgive and be more accountable for my own actions. A relationship is the product of two, never one and so I accept that I am one half of the equation and the only part in which I have any control over.

I manage the kids and the homestead, doing most of the cooking, cleaning and child rearing, although I have to admit that Keith pulls his weight around our home more than most and so I can't do much complaining on that front. I don't enjoy housework very much, if at all. In fact, I can think of a million other things I would rather be doing in place of it and most of the time, I put things off for as long a s I am able. My children are a joy to me most of the time, but challenging in ways I never thought possible. I constantly worry about the kind of mother I am and just hope that some of the parenting choices I make, are the right ones.


Most of my days are spent at home, looking after the kids and transporting them to activities. I don't have any friends in the area, mostly because I never put myself out there to meet anyone. My father and his wife live part time in the house I grew up in down south and the other part, in England which is where Jill is originally from. My brother, Jeff resides in San Diego. My very best and dearest friend, Marlo lives about 45 minutes away from me- which is just far enough to make it difficult to see her as often as I would like, but in spite of this obstacle, we do try and get together a few times a month and speak daily by phone.

The other friends I have are scattered about, and most of our contact is either online or by phone. Life can be very isolating for some and I feel I fall into this category. I realize that I could easily fix this by putting myself out there more than I have, more than I do, but sadly, it feels like more effort than its worth. With age, comes the wisdom that the people who have known you for a long time are the ones that are most valuable. New friends are important too, but it seems harder to build deep and lasting friendships the older I get.

I also struggle with depression from time to time- having good days and bad, but always thinking about how I can improve myself, therefore keeping the depression at bay. I try to be hopeful about the future while at the same time, being realistic with my expectations. I admit that my past has had way too much influence on my present and this realization is something I need to work on changing if I ever expect to change my circumstances.

I guess my basics turn out to be not so basic, as complexities emerge through simple description. As I read though this post, I almost feel like Eeyore from Winnie the Poo, so down trodden and sad, but truthfully I really believe that life isn't so pretty for most, as very few escape troubles, whatever troubles they might be. My attitude is not quite as dire as it may appear to be, but notable enough to warrant an adjustment which is the point behind the telling of my tale. You can't change what you don't acknowledge- I think I just quoted a Dr. Phil colloquialism.. . .

Disclaimer

In the age of social networking, I find that most of my connection to the outside world is through what I view and read online. To me, this feels unfortunate, but also has its benefits. On one hand, the convenience that social networks offer, by making the world as accessible as it has now become, is infinitely valuable. I can visit places I've never been and most likely never will. I can communicate with people, I would otherwise never meet in real life and strengthen relationships with friends, old and new, that would be impossible to achieve in other ways. I can also educate myself in any subject I could ever dream of exploring. However, the flip side of the conveniences and accessibility the web affords us, is that living through your computer robs one of the actual experiences, and can never serve as a replacement for the real time ability to touch, taste, feel and see.

In addition to that, most people I come across, myself included, create an "online" personality which is different from who we are in our day to day dealings. Social networking lends itself to perpetuating the notion of our perfect self. We tend to censor information, both good and bad, depending on the audience we are playing to. We are in virtual control of what we want the cyber world to know and to not know about our person, our family and our lifestyles. People do this kind of self editing in real life as well, but the anonymity of the computer screen adds an extra buffer, making it even easier to do.

It begs the question, at least for me, to ponder whether any of it is real? Is the information that has become so accessible to us merely fantasy or actual reality? Do we really know people in the way we think we do? Is the information we seek accurate or simply someones opinion devoid of fact to back it up. I think we as a culture, have become complacent to accept everything we read and see as the truth, whether it be about people, places or things. Prior to the age of the internet, one had to actually engage in the fact finding process themselves to research anything they wanted to know about- relationships included.

Nothing will ever replace face to face contact. Social networking, blogs and other informative websites will never be able to offer the same level of empirical data that can only be gained through other means, away from our computers, but none the less, they do serve a purpose.

And with that said, please read this blog bearing all of this in mind. As much as I try to remove the self editing button, there's no way to completely get rid of it. Anything I may blog about is being channeled through my unique perspective, mostly born of my feelings and not actual fact. Even personal experiences that I will recall, are memorialized in my mind based on perspective at the time and not necessarily what factually happened. As with all memories, thoughts and feelings, people will remember and interpret the same events and information much differently from one another. Each recounting is as unique as the person who is telling the story. I suppose this is what makes the age of the internet so interesting and valuable, but only one small part of the whole. Its up to us, individually, to fill in the gaps to attain our own truths, if that's what you seek.

Inspiration

Inspiration is found in many different forms. It depends on which part or parts of you a particular person, place or thing speaks to, touches or resonates within your body. Inspiration can take you wherever you need to be in the moment it grips you, and if you allow yourself that freedom to feel what you need to feel, you are better able to express that inspiration in ways that are meaningful to you. By doing so, you become more in sync with your internal and external persona's, resulting in harmony between heart and mind.

I dedicate Pieces of Me to doing just that; seeking out people, places, and things that inspire me, and more importantly, afford me the voice that I have thus far been unable to find completely, to express my inner most feelings and thoughts about things that are meaningful to me, brought out by the world in which I exist.

I am but one of many, single threads, loosely knitted together to form a whole. There are many paths to get from one place to another place. This is my path with a trajectory that changes from moment to moment. I don't know where all of this will take me, but I can say I'm excited to find out.