Its finally quiet around here- No television blaring. No squeaking, chirping toys numbing my ears, dulling my senses. No one tugging at my leg, whining for food; no more tantrums to contend with, fights to referee. My kitchen is now closed, ending the nightly arguments over how many bites need to be eaten before being finished with dinner or my relentless monitoring of the refrigerator door that seems to be opened 100 million times everyday. Just silence. Even my husband has gone to bed for the night. The lulling hum of the running dishwasher is my only companion, a very welcome friend after a long, trying day.
My mind is finally free to de-clutter itself- to unload all of the fleeting and not so fleeting thoughts that have entered my mind throughout the course of my day. Most are probably gone for good as I have become much less proficient at remembering things for any length of time unless I have written it down somewhere- No time for even that nowadays with the demands of three young children vying for my attention.
So here I am trying to relax for a few moments before I begin my preparations for tomorrow which will be more of the same as today-
The time in which I am able to carve out for just me, is usually just leftovers, crumbs left behind- all the good stuff already taken. In my exhaustion, I try to remember something that caught my interest at some point earlier in my day, something I wanted to come back to when I had the chance- now here’s my chance, but I no longer recall what it was that I so badly wanted to remember. As it usually happens, it will pop back into my thoughts during some inopportune time, and I’ll put it off yet again and repeat this sequence until it eventually becomes moot.
Being a mom is tough. It is the hardest job there is and having the ability to do it well, consistently, is nearly impossible, in my opinion anyways. If anyone tells you differently, they’re just flat-out lying. Its physically tiring, emotionally draining and ages you in ways that nothing else comes close to. The worrying and fretting, the second guessing and self doubt gets to you and beats you down.
But in all sincerity, I really wouldn’t want it any other way. I’ll fall asleep tonight with a mind still on overdrive causing me to have dreams pertaining to unfinished business and other things that I have left undone ~ I may even wake during the night, separate from waking up with my two year old daughter, my heart racing over something I need to accomplish that I don’t dare forget about. I’ll fall back to sleep for what seems like mere minutes before the chaotic sounds of the day start all over again.
This all must sound like self torture and it is to a degree, but two chubby toddler arms reaching towards me for a hug, or a wet sloppy kiss on the lips and even better, an unsolicited “I love you, mom”, coming from my almost tween son, has a magical way of rejuvenating me from day to day in ways that make it all worthwhile and meaningful in the end.
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