We can all list events in our lives that have profoundly changed us. In one moment, we're one way and in the split of a second, we are forever different people. One such event in my life was the time I learned of my mom's cancer diagnosis. As adult children, we stand by and watch our parents age. Many of us have also seen our parents get sick, some recover while some do not. My mother was one of the unfortunate ones. She received a terminal diagnosis and within a couple of months, passed away just a few months shy of her 61st birthday. I was a just few months shy of my 33rd birthday when this happened- much too young for my mom to lose her life and much too young for me to lose my mother. She was an extremely important figure in my world and even though eight years have elapsed since her death, the pain is just as real and just as intense. The following post is part one of this story.
I choose to write about this now because I learned of my mom's terminal diagnosis on Halloween Night 2002. As each Halloween Night approaches since that time, I relive the true horror that is only supposed to happen in B movies, not in real life, especially mine.
Back tracking a bit, I will say that there were signs that something bad was looming. She had been sick on and off for several years, mostly related to bronchial issues. She had been a smoker for 40+ years, but ironically, had finally quit her habit just the year prior to her death after being told she had emphysema.
In the summer of 2002, we spent a few weeks together which was a normal occurrence with us. I was living in Seattle at the time and she and my dad were still living in the same house I grew up in. She made the trip out to see me 2-3 times each year, on the average, spending about a month each time. My family and I, would also make frequent visits to see my folks, usually for holidays and vacation times. During that Summer, my mom had been out to see me and then our entire family enjoyed several days, vacationing in Mexico.
The following month of September, my mom began to feel under the weather. For several weeks she felt as if she had the flu and just couldn't shake it. Her symptoms became increasingly worse until eventually my dad took her to the emergency room after she had an episode in which she experienced severe shortness of breath. She was admitted into the hospital that night and there commenced a week long ordeal of every test one could have. All tests came out negative. On the last day, one of her doctors ordered a lung biopsy. She had already undergone a chest X-ray, just as she had numerous times over the years, which never showed any signs cancer. I knew she was having the biopsy done and throughout the day, I felt an uneasiness that I just couldn't get rid of.
Halloween 2002 fell on a Thursday that year. I had been busy at work and rushed to pick up Ben at his daycare, ran home to feed Zach, Samantha and Ben and then get ready for trick or treating. I hadn't heard from either of my parents that day, but wasn't too concerned as I believed that no news was good news. With the children all dressed in their costumes, we proceeded to go around the neighborhood. David took the older kids out while I took Ben to a few select houses of friends and family, as he was only around 20 months of age at the time. I remember it being so cold that evening and the streets were slick with rain that had fallen earlier that day. The autumn leaves from the tree lined streets formed big piles along our path. Ben, adorned in his dinosaur costume, would attempt to jump into each pile as we walked. Since his costume was so thick and constraining, he kept getting stuck in the piles, unable to stand himself up.
The bitter coldness of the night, drove us home earlier than I had expected. Once home, I removed Ben's costume and put him to bed. David, Zach and Samantha had not yet returned at that point. I then began my nightly ritual of tidying up around the house and preparing for the following morning. As I washed leftover dinner dishes, the phone rang. I saw that the call was coming from the hospital in which my mom was at. I answered the phone, fully expecting my mother to start asking about how our evening of trick or treats went, but instead, the first words that still clearly echo in my mind to this day were, "Are you sitting down?" In that very moment, my heart sank and I knew what she was about to tell me before she uttered anything more. I slumped down into a kitchen chair, collapsing, really. My eyes began welling up with tears. my voice all but vanished. All I could muster was a very meek, "yes".
She began to explain to me that the lung biopsy showed that she had stage 4 lung cancer. It was inoperable since the kind of cancer she had was more of a filmy coating around the lungs rather than an actual tumor. I sat motionless in my chair, unable to speak or move. Panic set over me and I told her I'd have to hang up and call her back later. I dropped the phone and dropped to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, primal cries originating from the very core of my being.
David and the other kids arrived home at some point during this time. I could barely speak as I tried to relay to him the news I had just been given. After some time had elapsed, something took over my body and by some sheer force of will, I was able to compose myself so that I could phone my mother back as I said I would. I first spoke to my dad who in his pain, was rattling off technical details that neither one of us cared about at that moment. Even though I know that I spoke to my mom after that, I can't remember doing so. I can't remember anything further about that night- its all just a fuzzy blur.
In a little over one week, Halloween will be upon us once again. Much of what happened earlier that fateful night will be repeated just as it has every Halloween since. Rushing to eat dinner, dressing the kids in their costumes, walking the neighborhood for tricks and treats and finally, a quiet moment at the end of it all, in which I remember my mom and think how nice it would be to share with her the days festivities as I had so looked forward to doing that Halloween night of 2002.
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